A Big Cry Baby in Jail
I haven't posted for a while, but things have been pretty hectic, but I have a funny story to share.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my "frequent flyers" returned to town. He apparently had forgotten the promise I made him about a year ago. I told him that everytime I saw him back in town, that he would go to jail. What you have to understand is that he is a drug dealer, drug user, thief, child molester, scum bag, all around DIRT BAG!! But, I digress... So, he shows up with his pregnant 18 year old girlfriend (He's 34)..Shortly after arriving he decides to slap around on the girlfriend..steal some gas, drive with an invalid driver license, no front license plate, defective equipment, fail to use turn signal, open container and had a small bag of weed...(as you can see, I didn't have to work very hard to find a reason to put his stinkin' ass in jail.)
He is famous in these parts because he cries when he goes to jail, and ( I swear that I'm not making this part up)..he is scared of the dark. He was crying when I got here 5 years ago..and still cries..He actually asked me, and I quote.."Sir, can you please leave a night light on, I am scared of the dark.." (my answer: Request denied!)..anyway...about 2 days later he is STILL cryin' and beggin for me to let him "just go home.." (Request denied!)...So, now we decide that we are having a heart attack...We call EMS (because we can't take chances, etc. etc.)..and when they show up, he is clutching his chest (the wrong side...)..He's such a genius! Of course, EMS checks him out, and tells him that he's fine..and his heart is on the other side...Then the famous claim.."I have blood in my stool...and in my urine.." So, we set him up an appointment at our local clinic...(in our very small town)..of course they don't have the equipment to check him out. So, by now I am severely pissed off. I have to have a Deputy transport him to the closest hospital...(45 miles away)..because of my limited man power...I have to stay on duty, after working my 11 1/2 hours first...I tell my deputy, "tell the ER Dr. what's going on." My deputy does just that.....The Dr. tells the Deputy..."he'll think before he makes these claims again.." Over the next 2 -3 hours the doc does a VERY COMPLETE EXAM! He tells the crook..."so, you have blood in your stool?" Crook: "Yes, sir!"..Doc: (as he pulls out a LONG, THICK probe)" Ok, I need you to bend over the table, and spread 'em wide"
Crook: "Uh, no, you know, maybe it wasn't blood, uh, just don't worry about it, it's really okay."
Doc: "No, you're here, we need to check, and we need to be sure."
my deputy said he looked like the doc was swinging a golf club back there. The crook was facing the deputy and white knuckling the table, crying and yelling, "stop, I was faking, I swear, I'll never do it again..I swear, please stop!!" The doc completed his exam. The crook says doc, I feel like I'm bleeding now...Doc says, "you probably are, but you'll be okay!"
Deputy said the ride home was pretty quiet, except for his frequent snickering, and the crook saying, "fuck you..I'm glad that you think it's funny! But, hey, don't tell anyone, okay?" Deputy continues to snicker saying, "yeah, okay..your secret is ..snicker..snicker...safe with me!"
Crook pled guilty to all charges and is currently on probation...in another county. Before he left he wrote me a note. "Dear Sir, with God as my witness, I WILL NEVER return to this county, for any reason. You have gotten my attention, and I realize that you don't play nice..and that you don't forget..or lie (you kept your promise)...You win, I'm done! Sincerely, Joe (not his real
name)
And people say there is no justice.
Lawman 1
Dirtbags 0
A couple of weeks ago, one of my "frequent flyers" returned to town. He apparently had forgotten the promise I made him about a year ago. I told him that everytime I saw him back in town, that he would go to jail. What you have to understand is that he is a drug dealer, drug user, thief, child molester, scum bag, all around DIRT BAG!! But, I digress... So, he shows up with his pregnant 18 year old girlfriend (He's 34)..Shortly after arriving he decides to slap around on the girlfriend..steal some gas, drive with an invalid driver license, no front license plate, defective equipment, fail to use turn signal, open container and had a small bag of weed...(as you can see, I didn't have to work very hard to find a reason to put his stinkin' ass in jail.)
He is famous in these parts because he cries when he goes to jail, and ( I swear that I'm not making this part up)..he is scared of the dark. He was crying when I got here 5 years ago..and still cries..He actually asked me, and I quote.."Sir, can you please leave a night light on, I am scared of the dark.." (my answer: Request denied!)..anyway...about 2 days later he is STILL cryin' and beggin for me to let him "just go home.." (Request denied!)...So, now we decide that we are having a heart attack...We call EMS (because we can't take chances, etc. etc.)..and when they show up, he is clutching his chest (the wrong side...)..He's such a genius! Of course, EMS checks him out, and tells him that he's fine..and his heart is on the other side...Then the famous claim.."I have blood in my stool...and in my urine.." So, we set him up an appointment at our local clinic...(in our very small town)..of course they don't have the equipment to check him out. So, by now I am severely pissed off. I have to have a Deputy transport him to the closest hospital...(45 miles away)..because of my limited man power...I have to stay on duty, after working my 11 1/2 hours first...I tell my deputy, "tell the ER Dr. what's going on." My deputy does just that.....The Dr. tells the Deputy..."he'll think before he makes these claims again.." Over the next 2 -3 hours the doc does a VERY COMPLETE EXAM! He tells the crook..."so, you have blood in your stool?" Crook: "Yes, sir!"..Doc: (as he pulls out a LONG, THICK probe)" Ok, I need you to bend over the table, and spread 'em wide"
Crook: "Uh, no, you know, maybe it wasn't blood, uh, just don't worry about it, it's really okay."
Doc: "No, you're here, we need to check, and we need to be sure."
my deputy said he looked like the doc was swinging a golf club back there. The crook was facing the deputy and white knuckling the table, crying and yelling, "stop, I was faking, I swear, I'll never do it again..I swear, please stop!!" The doc completed his exam. The crook says doc, I feel like I'm bleeding now...Doc says, "you probably are, but you'll be okay!"
Deputy said the ride home was pretty quiet, except for his frequent snickering, and the crook saying, "fuck you..I'm glad that you think it's funny! But, hey, don't tell anyone, okay?" Deputy continues to snicker saying, "yeah, okay..your secret is ..snicker..snicker...safe with me!"
Crook pled guilty to all charges and is currently on probation...in another county. Before he left he wrote me a note. "Dear Sir, with God as my witness, I WILL NEVER return to this county, for any reason. You have gotten my attention, and I realize that you don't play nice..and that you don't forget..or lie (you kept your promise)...You win, I'm done! Sincerely, Joe (not his real
name)
And people say there is no justice.
Lawman 1
Dirtbags 0
posted by Big Daddy! | 09:52
6 Comments:
Added a link to you from my blog. Texas lawman here as well.
That's a wonderful story!
Bravo, sir!
Absolutely hilarious!!
This link was provided on a message board I am on. I am so glad I took the time to read this! I wish all crooks had to go through that!!! Keep at it, Lawman!
bwahahahaha - sometimes you just have to keep your word. :)
btw - hubbymoose tells me there is an opening at KPD - should you ever decide to come to Kenai, AK :)
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